Ok so about a month ago  I had to have a breast biopsy done . My personal doctor sent me to a Dr. who specializes in this area of women’s health so after i had the mammogram done and an ultra sound it was decided there was something there that need further investigation so then I was refered to a surgeon for the biopsy. First came the  consultation which went well he was fairly informative and answered my questions. He explained the procedure and we had a discussion  and it was decided that with my family history and for my peace of mind we should proceed. He gave me worst case scenario and best case which for my mental health we agreed would be how this whole procedure would go. The date was set. I then went to work to get that all squared away then went home to get my self mentally ready for this. I t was a simple procedure yes but we were talking about the possibility of cancer and with having lost both parent to cancer I was terrified but kept my attitude positive. The day of the procedure we went had it done went well (I don’t remember a lot of that day but Michael told me the process was quick.) I went home and lost about three days know I was there but don’t remember a lot of that weekend.after about a week I went back to work still feeling sore but hey I’m a wussie girl and readily admit it. Well the first nite didn’t go so well. I do a lot of lifting and pulling a pallet jack needless to say by the end of the night i was aching and the incision was open more than I thought it needed to be.  When I got off work I made a trip to the ER to have it looked at. ’They wern’t that helpful really gave me some medication for the pain told me to take it easy but that I could go back to work. So I did but it didn’t go so well. The incision point was so sore whenIi would take a step I would feel it, the next morning when I got home and was getting cleaned up I was shocked when I took off my shirt. It was really deformed I’m sure but it sure looked like it to me swollen and red. Hot would be a good word felt like fire so I’m off to the ER again. I get there scared to death again(I’m really getting tired of being afraid of this whole thing.) They decided I need major doses of antibiotics and they need to see what’s causing this so they hook me up to an IV and give me pain meds and leave me alone in this dreary little room alone. Thank goodness for my mp3 player. my phone gets no reception so can’t call anyone and I’m getting more freaked by the minute. Finally they come in tell me they’re going to give me a major dose via the IV they’ve done s culture to see what is going on and that as soon as the IV is done I can go home. Work is out until I see my surgeon again. When i return to my surgeon things didn’t go well at all. First off event though both trips to the ER were to have been made know to his office and one of his associates was on call that weekend and was consulted he and his assistant we’re totally clueless. Which didn’t sit well with me. You must understand by this time I’ve been sore swollen and I think almost in shock waiting for pathology reports for what seems like forever.So the fact that this man doesn’t know squat about what’s been going on doesn’t make me happy and I decide to let my irish show a bit. To which he gets defensive. Thing are going down hill rapidly and then the tears come(emotions are such a pain) he tells me the good news is the reports we’ve been waiting on are all clean. I’ve dodged the bullet. There is a good thing. He says that its unfortunate that this has happened and that he will be there for me till I’m totally healed and will see me thru this all. I’m sent home again with instructions to keep taking the meds the ER doc gave me and if anything comes up to get in touch.

  Thank goodness for school which thankfully i can concentrate on so im not doing nothing during all this time. It seems everything I want to do hurts and for being left handed I never realized how much I use the right side. the doctor told me not to be totally immobile so as not to lose range of motion. but to be careful so as not to impede the healing process. So there’s still a hole  and draining every time I move. going anywhere becomes  a pain because I have to be sure I wont leak all over the place. OK I know in the scheme of the world I’m not dealing well with this but hey this is me and in my world this is sooo not what I wanna be doing. I have work and we’re doing big changes there and school and this is all a new thing for me I just started back after about 20 years. Not having family around bothered me than it should have. This was the first really big thing that I had to deal with sort of alone. My significant other doesn’t how do I say this. he was a living doll as far as helping out physically if I needed something done but he just doesn’t understand me emotionally he doesnt get all this. That’s a whole other topic we wont be getting into. Since I moved down here away from the family there has been someone who was very special there for me he held me together when I was falling apart and for reasons that I’m still not really sure of we’ve split up and now I m putting a life together with someone new. but I’m digressing sorry. Lets just suffice it to say that major obstacles in the road are much easier to deal with when there is a support network close by. The family was great but they weren’t there all the time. They would have been if I really needed them but this was just those little bumps that seemed to get to me. Thank goodness for cell phones and text messages. don’t think they will ever know what they did for me.

Ok back to dealing with the docs. so I go in for my latest checkup and he says I’m healing but it will take a while but just keep doing what I’ve been doing and come back on the 27th of Oct. for a check and see if we can start talking about going back to work. So i get a call last week telling my Dr. has left the practise and I need to set an appointment with one of the others in the office. OK now here is the reason for this whole boring story. Question for you or more of a thought this doctor told me he would see me thru this till the end. but he up and leaves he knew he was gonna be leaving this post he could have  said something Again I know this isnt earth shattering in the scheme of it all but to me it sort of felt like being abandoned. So now I must begin with another doctor. Getting old stinks and this is just sooo not what I want to be going thru. Thanks for letting me get this out May you have blest days ahead and may the small things that seem huge  dissolve away . Be safe be well and play nice in this neighborhood.

Have you ever had soooooooooooo much on your mind that it seems like it’s running at 100mph? Maybe its going back to school or maybe it’s that I havent been around my buddies to chat with or maybe in just gabby.

Ok so where do I start I guess I could touch on school. It had been close to 20 years since I had  been in a class room to learn. NOw with almost have the semester over I’m feeling a bit more confident about going back. I’m only taking 2 classes just to get my feet wet again. There are some things I’ve noticed about college students. for the most part Those that are older want to learn and will work harder at it. Maybe it has to do with age and in my case its the fact that I know I’m paying big money for this education and I really am striving to get as much as possible out of  it. I know that I used to not sweat blowing off a class but now it truly bothers me if  I’m even a bit late. Some times I think it’s because I have no life but I just have a fairly uncomplicated one, just work, my home and school. Easy I like it this way. I bow to those that try to raise a family be civic-minded work full-time and take a full course load that  is stress and I don’t like stress. don’t get wrong there is stress in my life but I deal with it. I’m learning though to not sweat the small stuff because in the end it really doesn’t matter.

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               Somone told me that they thought they were defective when it came to love. I know this person very well & find this very hard to believe. Perhaps jaded but then arent we all.  Some people that get hurt by loving another close them selves off. It sometimes it takes alittle time and other times it takes you  life time to get over it. To know that perhaps you were the cause of these feelings can be painful in itself.

        It is my therory that you get one chance to love from the bottom of your heart to connect so deeply with aperson that they become a part of you. the term Soulmate is used . You may love others but theres always  that one special person. If your lucky you get to  spend  your life with this person but if fate or whatever splits you two up, you will never forget them and love them forever. The question should then be asked  do you try to get them back or do you just accept that  they are the past and go on. If you choose to go on then you have to deal with memories and that can be something that keeps you living in the past and doesnt allow you to move on.  So then you must  decide on how to deal with your memories. you can look on them with fondness  or you can just  ignore them and hope they go  away. but take it from me  they dont go awy and ignoring them  can only work for awhile then when you lest expect it they jump up and broadside you. this can hurt even more .

 

     Wow its been a while since I put a blog out there for the world to read. Let’s see if I can remember how to empty my mind onto the screen. Today was a quiet day did some laying by the pool and not a lot else. Starting next tueday Im going back to college It will be an experience, hopefully a good one. Im gonna do a lite schedule first term I don’t want to be overwhelmed. With work and school and just everyday life it will be  an adventure.

     A few weeks ago I had to go home for a funeral. I hadn’t been there since my Daddy passed away 4 years ago. The expression "You can’t go home again" is so true. The day to day things that I ve missed out on made me feel like an outsider.  I know thatI wasnt there to be part of life I was there to be strong for my family. I wouldnt want to go back to live visiting was bad enough. I loved seeinng family and friends but being there was hard and  I couldnt wait to get back To south carolina and my home. I’m not crazy about SC I yearn to move back to the midwest the ultimate  destination I west the mountains or alaska. One step at a time. My job, school,friends &Michael are here so for now I will try to make the best of it. The anticipation is nerve wracking but they say good thing come to those who wait. So here  I wait.